Session 20 Debrief: New Morning, Same Crap

The title of this debrief reflects the state of my life at this moment, not the drive. The drive was decent. Early morning, limited traffic, you get the idea.

My life on the other hand has not had enough of kicking my ass and testing me by putting me through things that don’t kill me but (hopefully) will make me stronger. These incidents and predicaments have put my mind on a rollercoaster running on rocket fuel.

Anyway, there were no specific objectives to this ride as I am capable of driving the car through bumper-to-bumper traffic. Interestingly, despite the time when the practice run occurred, I encountered a sliver of dense traffic. Wild!

Session 20 Recap

I’ve been parking at a different spot because folks living near my original one had a wedding and needed that space. After the function ended, I had to return the vehicle to its original spot.

It’s been a few days since I went out for a spin, it served as an opportunity to squeeze a practice session in. There was a slightly different route to the sea beach that went through narrower roads and tight corners, which caught my eye.

Additionally, I struggled a tad with slow cornering, so the strategy checked a lot of the boxes.

I did encounter a few spots of surprisingly dense morning traffic. Perhaps everyone has kicked up a gear to start their weeks strong.

The car is now stationed at its original spot. It will stay there until next week. I don’t think anyone is available till then for a quick ride around the block.

Untangling The Mental Mess

The intrinsic reason behind the ride was to clear my mind of ill thoughts and feelings and return it to the dutiful path. As explained in yesterday’s journal, the very first week of March 2025 was hell.

I didn’t even think of scheduling a practice session until late evening yesterday.

The biggest reason why the previous week sucked donkey balls is due to the pressure to get married on top of existing stress-initiating elements in my life.

For a while now, I’ve been trying to build a robust alternate source of income. I tried freelancing for a few months and thought of being a content creator myself. Then it began. I started posting articles on my website on a regular basis and dove into video creation.

Bear in mind that this was a time I knew diddly squat about monetizing a personal blog and video production for YouTube.

In the interim, I applied for a Master’s in various European Universities to further my career, which didn’t materialize but did cost me a chunk of change and a load of time. Consequently, I was hungrier and wanted a win more desperately than ever.

However, learning the nuances of video production and blogging took me longer than expected.

This translates to zero visible results.

I hit a new low in August 2024 when I had to delete my then-website and terminate my then-ongoing YouTube projects to touch base and recon. Frustration mounted high which turned into a deep depression because I was also hanging out with a few no-good folks for cheap thrills.

There was a period of two weeks when nothing happened. Just me and darkness, an old friend.

When September arrived, I got back up, because that’s all that ever matters, and made a strategy to return to the game. Started my new website, the current one, with full force, and drove relevant traffic to it through masterful content writing and marketing.

The next objective was YouTube. Brought a new camera and went back to Formula 1, something that’s been close to my heart for years, to retry. A few weeks in, I had my iPhone moment — a video that performed.

It’s been a grind since then as I managed to secure around 100 subscribers.

There’s a long way to go. 

I am aiming for at least 1000 subscribers by the end of this year (I know it’s not a lot) in terms of results, and 5-7 videos per month in terms of effort. Moreover, I have to bag a hefty salary hike in the interim to strengthen my finances.

Those are the key sources of stress in my life. When you add the pressure of getting married at this stage, things will break apart. And they have.

Failure For Long

It may appear that the mess in my head is unrealistic. I’ve thought the same many times.

On the surface, it looks as if I’ve things under control. The videography has greatly improved and I am getting tangible results on YouTube. I know how to promote my website and get genuine readers.

Considering I am great at my job, the chunky hike seems inevitable.

Meh.

First of all, the private sector is more volatile than the economy of a dictatorship. Forget hikes, there is a possibility of getting affected by ‘downsizing’ or layoffs.

Secondly, for the majority of the past, I’ve only encountered failures. It’s my sixth website and I am currently building my fifth YouTube channel. Whatever I am interpreting as success is only feebly directional.

To add salt to injury, my last three videos, published in the previous week that took a lot out of me, tanked.

Now, the dating and relationship dilemma. When you combine a career full of stumbles, an entrepreneurial journey that has historically always ended in roadblocks, and baldness from the age of 23, you get a level of misery that makes living under Maoist China look like Disneyland.

Either way, Indian parents don’t give a damn about their kids, which is a story of its own, so my parents forced me to sign up for the matrimony apps. They are like dating apps, but people are significantly more judgemental, especially your appearance.

As I’ve been slowly picking myself up from a series of past losses, you can imagine how tough it is to encounter yet another failure head-on. Speaking of head, my mind is already playing tricks on me by telling me it’s related to my appearance, feeding the deep-seated insecurities further.

This is affecting my creative ability, which makes it difficult to create more entertaining videos for my future fans, trapping me in a circular loop of hell. Thank god for Mary Jane.

Looking Forward: Calm Through The Storm

I’ve been on it for the past few months, especially from the start of this year. My content quality, workflow, professionalism at work, and dedication to working out have only improved massively.

Every rep I do, word I write, and video I create are noticeably better than they were before. In many ways, I feel I am at my best so far and will continue to level up in the three core aspects of life: mind, money, and muscle.

Furthermore, in the past quarter, I learned how to drive, bought a car, got my license, and clocked a few good hours of training runs.

The only downside is that it took me longer than I’d anticipated. Partly it is due to the nature of the things themselves (the goals I set for myself aren’t ordinary), and partly it is because of a variety of past mistakes I made in my early 20s.

This unforeseen but logically explainable delay has brought forward the challenge of getting married when I still haven’t completed the process of regaining myself fully. I guess that's the story of my life — diving into the deep end and figuring things out on the fly.

Regardless, I can only go forward and there is only so much I can do.

The subpar performance of the past three videos has taught me a few critical lessons on how to elevate my content creation abilities and I will be focusing on implementing them in the upcoming projects.

Rest of the sources of stress will get a shoulder shrug and a poker face. It ain’t much but it's honest work.

Just gotta hold on to the last bit of sanity left until I thug it out.

I don’t know when the times will improve. All I know is that I will never give up.

Until next time,

Tara

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Next Chapter: Session 21 Debrief: Finale + Epilogue

Previous Chapter: Session 19 Debrief: Nip and Tuck

Index (with Prologue): The Path to Driving License

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